Cent percent 13/07/2011

There’s a lot of talk on cent percent marks and a great deal of controversy regarding its wisdom as well. But what I would like to ponder over  has neither to do with the academic performance of students nor  the inflated marks they get but  the percentage  secured  by a married  couple in their journey through life.

You wish the newly wedded couple a very happy married life, which means they should be happy the rest of their lives, irrespective of the ups and downs of marriage. It’s a known fact that marriage is a gamble and there is nothing like a perfect marriage where the partners score cent percent each. If they do, or pretend to do, they may be deceiving themselves. Even in Made for Each Other contests the  contestants   fall short of scoring cent percent. They may end up with a fifty or sixty percent tally !

The other day I was discussing the issue of failed  marriages with some of my friends who were ‘happily’ married and  ‘happily’ divorced. We thrashed out all the problems faced by couples in making   mutual adjustment  which was essential  in a successful marriage. The  unanimous conclusion  was  scoring a centum  by the husband which meant he being a nodding head both in word and deed  to what ever his wife says!

n.meera raghavendra rao

8 thoughts on “Cent percent 13/07/2011

  1. V Raghavan

    Ha, ha! Only a hen-pecked hubby will nod all the time. With this touch of humor, this article is going to elicit a lot of comments. I for one would think that after marriage the husband and wife are one. The husband is the one!

    1. Yes, the husband is the one who eventually succumbs to his wife’s whims and fancies and turns from a shaking head to a nodding head in order to buy peace at home .He realizes the wisdom of being hen pecked rather than his wife being cock pecked .Very few men can balance their roles as husbands, sons and siblings .

  2. Dr(Brig)Maremanda Jaya Rao

    JAI SUNDARAM.
    Marraige is
    a)100 % is impossible. as it is a give and take.In this act of give and take there are bound to be differances.Even one diffrance reduces the percentage.
    b)Marriage is a Life time Investment.In any investment there are ups and downs.So even one percent reduction”marriage is not 100%”
    As the author had made a mention of DIvorce,I would like to express what I feel.DIvorce is a DIS-INVESTMENT of LIFE TIME INVESTMENT,(marriage is a life time investment)
    I also would like to add –IF A MAN & WIFE “LOVE & LIKE ,INSPITE OF and BECAUSE OF” the word divorce should be out of the Dictionary.
    Dr(Brig)M Jaya Rao

  3. Prof. V.N.K.Kumar

    Ha ha ha… that was funny, but it represents basically the feminine fantasy that a marriage is compatible only when you have a husband who agrees with whatever the wife says.

    Compatibility in an egalitarian marriage cannot be cent percent, in spite of the horoscope predictions by astrologers. We have to build compatibility and this is possible only when the newly weds are able to tackle nine tasks confronting them.

    There seems to be nine psychological tasks that challenge married men and women throughout their life together. These tasks, the building blocks of the marriage, are not imposed on the couple from the outside ; they are inherent in any relationship in today’s world. If the issues represented by each psychological task are not addressed, the marriage is likely to fail.

    The first task is to detach emotionally from the families of childhood, commit to the present relationship and build new connections with the extended families. Each partner should treat the other partner as a confidant or confidante, put complete trust in him/her and avoid talking about their relationship with anyone else including their own parents.

    The second task is to build togetherness through intimacy and to expand the sense of self to include the other, while each individual carves out an area of autonomy. The overarching identification with the other provides the basis for bonding. As one person put it succinctly, ” In a good marriage, it can’t be ‘Me-Me-Me’, it’s got to be ‘Us-Us-Us’ “. Exactly ! But within the new unity, there must be room for autonomy, otherwise there is no true equality.

    The third task is to expand the circle to include children, taking on the daunting roles of parenthood from infancy to the time when the child leaves home, while maintaining the emotional richness of the marriage. The challenge of this task is to maintain a balance between raising the children and nurturing the couple’s relationship.

    The fourth task is to confront the inevitable developmental challenges and the unpredictable adversities of life, including illness, loss of a job, death — in ways that enhance the relationship despite suffering. Every crisis carries within it the seeds of destruction as well as the possibility of renewed strength. Managing stress is the key to having a marriage that can reinvent itself at each turning than one that becomes a shadow of its former self.

    The fifth task is to make the relationship safe for expressing differences, anger and conflict, which are inevitable in any marriage. All close relationships involve love and anger, connectedness and disruption. The task is to find ways to resolve the differences without exploiting each other, without being violent or without giving away one’s heart’s desire.

    The sixth task is to establish an imaginative and pleasurable sex life. Creating a sexual relationship that meets the needs and fantasies of both people requires time, love and sensitivity. Because a couple’s sex life is vulnerable to interference by the stresses of work and by family life, and because sexual desire changes because of the fluctuating testosterone levels in both man and woman over the course of life, this aspect of the marriage requires special protection in order to flourish.

    The seventh task is to share laughter and humour and to keep interest alive in the relationship. A good mariage is alternately playful and serious, sometimes flirtatious, sometimes difficult and cranky, but always full of life. The partners have to discover common hobbies and interests which they can do together.

    The eighth task is to provide the emotional nurturance and encouragement that all partners need throughout their lives, especially in today’s isolating urban nuclear families and high pressure work-places. Each partner should act as a counselor and as the sole well-wisher, should listen to the other person’s concerns and problems with patience and give suitable advice.

    Finally, the ninth task is the one that sustains the innermost core of the relationship by drawing sustenance and renewal from the images and fantasies of courtship and early marriage and maintaining that joyful glow over a lifetime. But these images, nourished by the partner’s imaginations must be combined with a realistic view of the changes wrought by time. It is this double image that keeps love alive in the real world.

  4. Your first task suggesting detaching emotionally from families of childhood seems to apply cent percent to men who adhere to Shakespeare’s quote:A son is a son till he gets a wife; a daughter is a daughter all her life .As I said in my article , men may make good husbands but they may not necessarily make good sons or siblings because of various pressures and compulsions !

  5. V Raghavan

    Surely here, VNK is at his best – analysis of a problem!

    I have some stray comments. Men are not necessarily cent per cent detached from the earlier relationships. Haven’t we heard of Mama’s Boy!

    Husband and wife fight once in a while. By all means do so, as long as the fight doesn’t last more than 24 hrs and as long as you keep in mind the deeper bond between you. Life is sweeter after the fight! In Tamil, this sequence is known as “Oodal”.

  6. Prof. V.N.K.Kumar

    What Prof VR is saying is interesting. Couples who have a wholesome marital relationship communicate honestly with each other and have learned to sense each other’s needs & desires. They have also learned how to express disappointments appropriately when these occur. Sometimes it means raising the decibel level of one’s voice and screwing up our face to indicate our anger. The empathetic spouse will just listen at that time. The upside of this is that the spouse expressing anger will not be carrying a baggage of repressed hostility which could unconsciously sabotage a relationship later on.

    I and my wife Prema have had our tiffs many a time and stopped interaction for a while. But this period of distressing silence never exceeded 60 mts. In the early days of our marriage it was a question of who should first break the silence by saying sorry. For some reason it was becoming embarrassing to say sorry. Over the years, intuitively we discovered that there were many other ways to convey our positive feelings towards each other even without first saying sorry. ” They are going to telecast an old movie at this time. Would you like to watch it with me ?” She would say “ok”, meaning that she had forgiven me my temper tantrum. She would then make some mouth watering pakodas and bring it to the sofa for munching while viewing the film.

  7. The three comments I received for my post seem to focus only on the spouses’ relationship with each other and not on other relationships prior to their marriage—as sons and siblings. Ofcourse they are bound to change to a certain extent but not given up altogether as has been happening in some cases.

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